The Man I Could Have Loved

Day 2 of my blogging challenge.

Have you ever sat and reflected on how you came about meeting different people in your life? I often don’t but today I will because it ties into the story I am about to tell. We had only recently moved overseas and I had more or less settled into our new life but hung fiercely to my friends in the Caribbean. One such friend decided to enter representational politics and created an email group to discuss the issues and to allow his inner circle to follow his journey. It so happened that I became a part of this exclusive group of friends who shared ideas and for the most part reminisced about university days. While bored at home one day I decided to examine the members in this email group and realized that while I had some form of relationship with most members there were a few names that were foreign to me. For whatever reason I name stuck out in my mind. To this day I cannot tell you whether it was his comments in the emails or just the sound of his name on my tongue (in reality there is absolutely nothing remarkable about his name) but I decided to single him out and send him an email outside of the group. Was I lonely? What was I expecting? Why did I do that? The answer to these questions must be in the grave with Freud because I have no idea. I think the saying, “the devil finds work for idle hands” would be appropriate to describe why I contacted this total stranger.

He actually responded and we started having our own little outside of the group banters around the political issues and fun memories of university days. We had actually overlapped for a couple of years at university, shared many friends but had never met. Strangely enough we had also attended the same primary school and our parents had been work colleagues which means we must have met and even played together while waiting on our parent after school. Still we had no earlier memories of each other. These discoveries were exciting but more exciting was the fact that we could chat for hours and actually looked forward to talking all the time. What did this mean? Why was I so drawn to the other human being?

Again I do not have the answer but for sure I felt the need to keep him in my sphere. I will not attempt to speak for him or to wonder why he kept the connection going but I know that I woke up one day and realized that I looked forward to communicating with him every day that the Lord sent. I realized that as a married woman I should not keep the connection but as a mere mortal I could not control myself. I needed by daily phone fix – he is not a particularly funny guy and actually doesn’t try to be but he had me laughing and smiling just from the ridiculous conversations we were having. More than the laughter though was the ease with which we picked up our last conversations or the heat that ran through me when we ‘accidentally’ flirted. I also felt quite special when he reprimanded me for one of my crazy ideas or for not putting by best foot forward. I was actually falling in love with someone I have never really met: that was when I understood the concept of online dating which I had often criticized.

Over a year after the initial email we met and to this day I will never forget how hard it was not to simple ask him to let us sit at dinner all night and drink wine, dance to slow music and talk. When he finally dropped me back to where I was staying I wanted to beg him to take me back to the restaurant so we could just enjoy each other’s company some more. If had been the movies I would have ran after his car with the moon glaring from the sky and one of the heels from my shoes would have broken in my run after this man who had stolen a piece of my heart and mind. But in reality I went up to bed and snuggled the pillow with my mind on this fellow with the less than remarkable name. Strangely my husband (who usually preoccupies my mind at nights when we are apart) did not cross my mind even though I barely slept a wink. Instead my thoughts stayed focused on when and how I could spend more time on this trip away from reality and with the unremarkably named man.

The next morning I awoke to my husband’s phone call wondering why I had not phoned the night before. I had no reasonable answer that I could share with him. Hearing his voice I felt guilty; guilty that I was so drawn to someone else. More than anything else I got to wondering what this meant for my marriage, while my friend and I had crossed no lines it was obvious to me that I needed him to be a part of my life. Did this mean that I no longer loved or wanted to be with my husband? The potential answer to that answer scared me but the more I thought about it the more I realized that I also truly loved my husband and would never want a life without him. That was a major conundrum. Thinking back on it I also feel foolish because I had reached that far in my mind but the man with the less than remarkable name had no idea what I was thinking and nowhere in our conversation  did it arise that we even remotely wanted to be together: it was all still in my head. If it were in his he kept it a secret.

What should a girl do other than cry when boarding the plane because she did not know when she would ever see this man again? I did not know how to keep this man in my life without possibly destroying my marriage. There was also the fact that I also wanted my marriage because I was still in love with my husband.  Could it be that polyamory existed outside of Hollywood and resided in my heart? More than anything else I wanted both men in my life. Somewhere on the flight, probably over Alabama, the reality hit me that I was in love with two men. If I were panic prone they would have had to land that aircraft because I was in crisis mode.

I will spare you a lot of the details but by the time we landed I was calm and had talked myself into a state of rationality that would have made Max Weber proud. Five years later I am still happily married but the other man is one of my closest friends and confidants. How do I feel about him? I think I am in love with him and will always be. Is this healthy? Yes it is because there is nothing wrong with loving more than one person. What is wrong is when you allow that to interfere with your daily living or when you hurt other people in the process. Will we ever cross the line and blur our already strange relationship? I don’t know but what I do know is that I have found that other person who I could love for a lifetime but he is ‘the other person’. On a daily basis I have THE person who fills my heart with gladness and who I know loves the hell out of me.

To spare my friends who read this the agony of wondering what the hoot is taking place let me confess that this is my attempt at writing fiction!!!!!!!

Until next time……..ONE LOVE!!!!!!!!!!

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