My Greatest Fear!!!!

Today is Day 3 of my blog challenge and I am wondering why I chose to write about my greatest fear. I have read the book The Secret and if it is to be believed I shouldn’t even be having these thoughts. That aside, let me share my greatest fear with you. Walk with me through this and take a minute after to briefly share your fears in the comments section.

Two weeks ago I started having headaches and a lingering pain in my head which reminded me of 2008 when I had my brain surgery. I felt out of this world terrified. I worried that I was about to be sick again and couldn’t get the thought out of my head that if anything happened and happened quickly chances are I would die. I kept these thoughts to myself but spent 2 days in a state of internal panic until I got the MRI done and everything was ok. Through those couple of days I realized that more than anything else, I feared death. This is sad as death is inevitable and as such I should prepare myself but rest assured when I tell you that I have concluded that I do not want to be prepared. I don’t generally like surprises but for death I want to be surprised.

My fear isn’t just of my own death but also the death of those whom I love. Sometimes I imagine smelling death and get gripped with fear. I get angry when my kids innocently make comments which can be construed as having anything to do with death. For example the little one swimming in the pool playing around, diving to the bottom saying she is hiding, reappears and says, “I’m not dead yet, see I’m not dead.” I have to stop myself from getting angry and I know that those comments cannot make anything happen to her but I prefer to edge my bet on the safe side. (Sounds superstitious and silly I know, but…).

Why do I have this fear of death? It is with me because I love my life and love the people in it. Life is not like Facebook where I decide who I accept into my sphere. It’s the real world where the Supreme Being controls who is a part of your life. I have been lucky in that the people in my life are absolutely awesome. I love them and I cannot see my life without them. Take for instance my children, how could I not have the joy of my eldest making light of everything and seeing the world through an artistic lens which often evades me? How could I not have the joy of the seriousness and practicality of my youngest? What would I do without the cuddles, play slaps and security that comes with being married to SAR? Who would then make me feel that the world exists only for my pleasure? What would I do without my mom who makes me feel that no matter what she is there to protect and take care of me? What would I do without my dad who makes me realize that life is too short to be upset? What would I do without my core friends?

More than ever though, what would I do if I had to stare the sure possibility of my own death in the face? I’m not sure but I take this moment to ask God, Allah, Buddha and all other Supreme Beings to take me instantly when my time comes and not leave me to suffer through any waiting period. While I say this please note that I am in no hurry to be cremated and scattered under my favourite mango tree.

Until next time……..One Love!!!!!

2 thoughts on “My Greatest Fear!!!!

  1. I absolutely fear death as well. Not so much my own, but having to see others die. I have had to deal with death from a very young age and it doesn’t get any better. I don’t grieve properly, which makes things worse. But how do you grieve? I end up feeling guilty – like I should have done different things while that person was alive. I have nightmares and daydreams of the people closest to me dying. I cry thinking about it. It’s terrible. How do I let go of this?

    • So far I have not had to deal with it and as such my advice will be from an opinion and not any tried and proven method. I think you got it right when you said that grieving is necessary. The loss of a loved one I can only imagine is one of the worst experiences that one can have in life and as such it is important to take time and pay homage to the lost relationship. Take time out Diana and grieve.

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