Not only have I never had the childhood dream of being married in the beautiful long flowing white dress but I have been through phases where I believed that I was not ‘wife material’. I am not the most obedient person in the world and I am quite impatient with the need to tell others what they need to hear. With age I have gotten better and have come to recognize and acknowledge the benefits of greater tact and ‘obedience’. If my husband chooses to comment on this blog in any way about my level of obedience let him keep in mind that he is the only male living in our house and female led coups are the most dangerous.
That aside, let me state that marriage is a beautiful but time consuming and trying union of two individuals who shall never become one. You often hear that when you get married you and your partner will become one. That is hogwash to the tenth degree. At best what you become are two persons lucky enough to have grown so close that you are in sync more often than not. Just the thought of my husband becoming me is enough to have me searching for the closest divorce attorney. Not sure how he feels about me becoming him but it sure would not sit well with me.
I am one of the fortunate ones in the world because without doubt I have one of the best husbands ever created. Am I fooling myself? Maybe, but until he proves otherwise I feel blessed to wake up in the mornings and see him by my side curled up or clicking away on one of his gadgets (if we ever get divorced it may be because of those gadgets called Iphone, Ipad or laptop aka his other loves). But unto the meat of the matter: has my husband ever hurt my feelings? Has he ever made me cry? Is he perfect? Does he drive me crazy at times? Do I want to lift him up and throw him over the balcony from time to time? The answer to these questions is a resounding YES!! But he is also the person who makes me feel safest. He is the one who gets my heart beating rapidly when he comes home at nights with his tie loosened and a look in his eyes that I think is the sexiest I have ever seen on a man. The question I have is, “why doesn’t he seem as gorgeous when he leaves for work?” Another question for Freud I suppose. I sure am racking up questions for this dead man!!!
Anyway let us move on as this blog is titled “the hardest part of being married” and not what I love about this man who is the least likely person I could have imagined being happy with. Let us take tonight for example, I am annoyed that he is working late and will be going into office tomorrow which is supposed to be his work/life balance day off. Annoyed yes, but am I going to storm out through the door the way I would have 15 years ago? Absolutely not, being happily married has taken away some of my kick ass and it rubs me wrong. I hate that I love this man on purpose every day. I don’t hate the love; I just hate that I am not totally in control anymore.
I worry when he is home late and I haven’t heard from him because the thought of living without him is unbearable. I am a hot mess when he travels to territories that are not the safest in the world. What is even more pathetic is the fact that I miss him when he is away from home for more than 24 hours. When we are upset with each other I spend the time worried that we could lose what we have over something that more often than not is quite stupid.
Many of you reading this may be asking yourselves if I am crazy but rest assured I am not. I love my life and my marriage but a part of me is scared: scared that I have totally handed over my heart and soul to another human being. What if he becomes a crack head and leaves the most awesome woman in the world? Worst of all, what if (God forbid) something happens to him?
This is the scary part of my life which highlights the fact that I cannot help but love my SAR.